Appelbaum The world is about to change.

The Saints will march all over the Colts during Super Bowl XLIV, and then all hell-heaven-purgatory will break loose.

Stay with me, good readers.

After the crushing defeat, Indy quarterback Peyton Manning will go back to making commercials full-time. He will be ridiculed with endless chants of “Cut that meat! Cut that meat!” wherever he goes.

Welcome to Purgatorio, El Duderino.

Saints running back Reggie Bush and his girlfriend, Kim Kardashian, will tie the knot. Reality television heaven will ensue when Bush, Kardashian, her sister, Khloe, hubby Lamar Odom and Lakers teammate Ron Artest spend Thanksgiving together.

And hell? I don’t believe in such a place, but one man will find a way to get there: Stephen J. Dorman.

Dorman will trudge to work Monday wearing a brown paper bag over his head. The bag will read: “The ’Aints did it.”

Dorman After this Super Bowl, which will be the greatest spectacle in the history of the world, Dorman will beg the football gods for forgiveness.

Remember, Dorman’s the guy who said he’d rather attend a couple of soccer games than the Super Bowl. What are you doing, man? Working for Al-Qaeda?

The rest of the country has embraced the Saints, America’s Team.

Inept for much of the past 43 years, New Orleans has survived crummy players, bad voodoo and nasty hurricanes.

The Saints play a spectacular, entertaining-as-heck brand of football.

They have the most dynamic player in Bush, the most accurate quarterback in Drew Brees and the most dangerous defensive back in Darren Sharper.

They’ve got it all, and we’re about to enjoy the biggest party ever.

The Saints saved a city. How many other sports teams can say that? They can handle Indianapolis’ best shot—and a few more goofy Manning commercials. Lead the cheer, Dorman. “Cut that meat! Cut that meat!”

Best prop bet: Saints’ total points over 26 (-120). New Orleans could score more than 26 points even if Dorman called the shots.

Most underrated Super Bowl snack: Caramel-flavored Poppycock from a limited edition Dale and Thomas Popcorn bowl signed by Joe Buck and Troy Aikman. Yes, I own that bowl. It was a Hanukkah gift from Dorman. Buck and Aikman scribbled “Share some” on the inside. I wish I was making this up.

Dream halftime performers: Les Savy Fav. LCD Soundsystem. Mclusky.

Super Bowl MVP: Darren Sharper, safety, New Orleans.

Final score: 45-42, Saints. Contact Eliav Appelbaum at eliav@theacorn.com.

Looks like somebody shaved since our last Showdown.

Seriously, Appelbaum, you’ve got that whole Jim Morrison thing down pat. Is there any truth to the rumor that you were shirtless and wearing leather pants during your latest Acorn photo shoot? I feel terrible for our photographers.

Now, where were we? That’s right, the Super Bowl.

As a Chargers fan, the Super Bowl is dead to me, has been since 1967. If you think I’ll sap an ounce of joy out of watching former Bolts gunslinger Drew Brees toss TD passes in the biggest game on the planet, you are sorely mistaken.

It’s misery, I tell you, misery.

But when the publishers and editors of this fine newspaper begged and pleaded with me to once again slap Appelbaum down in a Showdown column—they didn’t, but it sounds better if I say they did—I just couldn’t resist.

So how are the Saints going to pull off the upset, Appelbaum? Do you really think New Orleans’ 25th-ranked defense is going to slow down Peyton Manning, Reggie Wayne, Dallas Clark, Pierre Garcon and Austin Collie? Please.

In the postseason, Indianapolis scored 20 and 30 points on the Ravens and Jets, respectively. We’re talking about a pair of dynamite defenses. The Saints are JV compared to those rock-solid units.

New Orleans uses pressure to force offensive mistakes and create turnovers. During the NFC Championship, the Saints nearly killed 78-year-old Vikings quarterback Brett Favre utilizing this pay-forpasses formula. Problem is, unless Manning is playing the Chargers, he doesn’t make too many mistakes, if any at all.

I mean, just take one look at the guy’s forehead. Friggin’ thing is enormous. He’s probably processing 10 times the information of a normal ballplayer in that cranium. Manning’s dome is a supercomputer, analyzing defenses at the line of scrimmage before he picks them apart through the air.

Supercomputer Manning has already processed all this information and knows exactly where to attack the Saints. Don’t expect any glitches on Sunday afternoon.

Best prop bet: Saints win first half/ Colts win game (+400). The expectation is that the Saints start hot and the Colts do what it takes to win late. The 4-to-1 payoff is too enticing to pass up.

Most underrated Super Bowl snack: Mango and avocado spring rolls with peanut sauce. These things are epic. Find the recipe at www.loveandoliveoil.com.

Dream halftime performers: Hall & Oates. Miami Sound Machine. LMFAO.

Super Bowl MVP: Peyton Manning, quarterback, Indianapolis.

Final score: 37-27, Colts. Contact Stephen Dorman at sdorman@theacorn.com.