Hot Flashes

The snails, rabbits and kamikaze blue jays announce spring and all its beauty here in Conejo Valley. Joining in the rites of the season, I'm the proud new mother of Jake and Hannah.

Despite our efforts to teach our new babies proper values, they steal socks, raid garbage, climb fences, drool and dig.

Pooping under the grand piano is considered a first-class pastime, and licking ears or any body part in public doesn't embarrass them whatsoever.

And whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot little puppies.

These two hilarious creatures arrived in their new Wildwood digs in a big plastic bucket lined with old towels. I wondered if Hannah looked at Jake and thought, "Geez, out of all my litter mates, how'd I get stuck with you for the rest of my life, you goofy doofus?"

I don't think Jake cared. He licked Hannah's ears, and she forgave him for falling out of the bucket. Turns out, he's the ultimate teddy bear dog who gets all the girls and will end up on the cover of Heartthrob even if he never learns to stay. Or sit. We should have named him Romeo. Or Rock.

Two little Labradoodles they are. I think we used to call such dogs . . . mutts. I guess these are sort of the nouveau riche of the canine world, the social climbers of dogdom.

We've been told that as members of the Labradoodle tribe, our new kids are part Labrador and part poodle. It seems the combocanine trend is growing: morkies, schnoodles, Chinoodles, Chiwieners, golden doodles, puggles, snuggles and derrieres (that's a deerhound and a terrier, a dog that's true to the end).

So, applying the formula to me, I guess that makes me a Swerman (Dad was a Swede, Mom was German). If you're half Spanish and half Dutch, you're a Sputch. Or half French and half Greek, you're a Freek. Oh brother.

So how do you name a Labradoodle, anyway? Fifi Marley? Studley Lafayette? The puppies were so full of beans, I thought Hunky and Dory would be good, but I got outvoted. So Jake and Hannah it is. And Jake and Hannah are the cutest pooping machines ever. Ever.

Dogs are so much luckier than humans. For example, spots are cute on dogs. Funny ears and droopy jowls are endearing. A pink eye mixed with a brown one will raise your stock and get you a chew stick if you play your cards right.

They do nothing for political reasons. They don't sell junk bonds or demand lavish bonuses. They don't cheat at ball games or take steroids. A juicy bone and a soft bed are reason for celebration.

And you can live with multiple dogs without being accused of poly-poochism. Talk about "Big Love." Ruff!

It's no secret that the economy is in the dumper, but the doodles and I have been doing our best to crank it into gear. By adding doodles squared to our family, we have doodled away dollars, and I guess I'm not alone since there are more pet-related businesses in Thousand Oaks than car dealerships. When they see me coming, they roll out the red carpet. At our house, it's a squeaky chicken in every pot and two beds in every corner.

I think Ogden Nash said, "A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of." That could be true. But Jake and Hannah certainly found the right side of my heart. Woof.

You can reach Elizabeth Kirby at kirby@theacorn.com.